The Cure for Us?

Could it be that the hot flashes are over………..again? Last Thursday PB went fishing down at the lake down the street. In a moment of insanity, I decided to take the big dog and hike down to the powerlines where they fish on the lake. About a hour just to get there. On the way I tripped and smashed my elbow. So there i am, 2 hours later finally getting home, beat as hell. Despite hurting and an elbow the size of a baseball, I kept on exercising each day. Usually biking. Then saturday, I made it past the “wall.” I powered up the hills and felt great afterwards. It was like i had my old staminia back. Yesterday was brutal workwise. Plus another weekend the youngest kid did not come over.

But the main thing here is how great I feel. Its not just the hot flashes but the way my heart races when they happen. Its as if my whole body is going through some kind of hurting event.

But now its back to work. Lots to do. I want to lake it this weekend.

Back from the Lost Place

Wow, its been a while since I posted. I’m  not sure how to summarize the past few months. There were good times, bad time, and many in between times. Here’s a quick rundown.

1)The wicked symptoms of menopause have returned with a vengeance. The hot flashes are so evil. Estoven has not helped.

2) Work is busy. Thank god.

3) I had weird health problems all summer, things that don’t normally bother me. Poison ivy, heat stroke, bug sting that swole up my leg.

4) PB and I are still together. But barely. His youngest son did not want to come over anymore. I thought it was my fault and tried to move out. It was a rough weekend, and kind of a last straw thing for PB. He did not want me to leave but I did serious damage to the way he feels toward me. There’s a coldness. Hoping time will heal it. I love him so much.

5) Still have not lost any weight. Altho I have been trying hard for 2 weeks now.

6) PB and I need some time off together. We work so much. We did have a wonderful weekend last week. We went to a wedding and it was so sweet. Then we relaxed at home on our new couches. It was just one of those weekend where it feels like another world. A golden, timeless place.

But now its time to go back to work. Hoping that the kid will come over this weekend. I don’t want to fight with PB again. I’m never gonna threaten to move out again. I’m so hard on him, he doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment.

I’m gonna stay on the diet and exercise plan. Hoping for 135 by the end of the month. No idea what I weigh now, too chicken to get on the scale.

 

Migraine Free!!!

No migraines for the last 7 days!!!!!!! First time in 4 months! I am thrilled beyond belief. Ok, now I have to ask why. Very simple, stress reduction. A very bipolar customer’s project left my shop and another long term project also left.

These two items have been like an enormous weight off my shoulders. And I can finally stand up straight and breathe again. Plus the weather is turning warmer and business is picking up. It was a rough week a sone project in the shop was a 3 days nightmare, I just kept somehow screwing up day after day, but somehow I handled the stress better and got thru it in good shape.

I have been spending more time kayaking. I went Sunday for a few hours, then late yesterday afternoon I went again. And I think tomorrow I’ll go again. Paddling like a wild woman, the blood rushing thru my veins, then quietly gliding along thru the little creeks in my neighborhood. I love it. I saw two bald eagles yesterday. To think I have lived here 15 years and never knew there were bald eagles around here.

Ok I got to get in the shop. A new customer is coming today to drop off his project. And crazy enough, two of the current jobs in the shop belong to women.

I feel good about life. About myself. I’m sure the exercise I am getting from the kayaking helps.

Thawed out some of my homemade BBG pork. I smoked two Boston Butts a month ago and froze a huge bag of shredded pork. Its so yummy. Doesn’t even need sauce. I’m gonna post the recipe very soon. I’m starting a recipe column. The stepson is with us this weekend, we seem to be getting along very well. His braces got adjusted Friday, so his teeth are really hurting. I’m gonna find some mushy but yummy food for him.

Ok off to my shop. More tonight maybe. But I do need to work on my business website. 

Beaten Down by Guilt

Today has been a rough day. I feel pretty beat down. I had to redo some work I did yesterday and it sucks. Wasted time and wasted money. Plus Martha’s ex husband is giving me guilt as I refuse to allow her in my life again. He doesn’t understand how awful it is for me to have to deal with her negativity. I can’t do it anymore. It is far too draining. She is so angry and she takes it out in everyone. Why is she angry?

A few years ago, she commented to me about her ex, “I’m gonna make the rest of his life a living hell.” I asked her why. She looked at me with this cold smirk and replied, “Because I can.” And that is why I cannot be around here. She has the emotional maturity of a 2 year old. Remember the Terrible Twos? Well Martha’s menopause has brought her to that state of mind. She wants what she wants, and she loses it if she doesn’t get it, even when she doesn’t know it and she will take out her anger on whoever she can.

I refuse to allow anyone in my life who gives me unjustified guilt. There is no reason for her to feel that way. None.

I went off at The Man this morning. For no real reason. But subconsciously this Martha thing was eating at me, so I took it out on him. Plus the wasted day yesterday. I’m angry. I’m angry at Martha for being so wrong. For dumping all her bitterness on me. Angry at her ex for giving me guilt. Its so wrong and i don’t deserve it.

Ok, I’m gonna go back to work.

Crazy People

In past people have referred to me as crazy and its something I tend to joke about. here on this blog, I make cracks about being crazy and losing my mind. But…..I’m not really, although at times it might feel that way. I am quite sane. I can say this as I have seen what crazy really is. Crazy is a very dangerous thing. Quite frightening actually. back in the 80’s I worked with this guy named Pete. The other guys on the second shift shift used to play mean tricks on him. he was kind of nerdy and wimpy looking, was the perfect target for the tough factory guys that the manufacturing world tends to attract.

One day he was talking to me and quite casually mentioned how it would be shame if he brought his guns into work one night and just shot them down. There was this hard yet eerie tone in his voice that convinced me he was serious. it sent chills down my spine. I never looked  at him the same way again. Pete was crazy. one of the people who loses it and you read about it in the papers.

My former best friend is crazy. It’s sad to see the destruction she has caused her family over the years. Crazy is selfish. It sees no one else’s needs be its own. Crazy fixates on things until those things consume it completely. And it is a very frightening feeling to be the item or person that a crazy person has fixated on.

Life is so short, and at times so tough. And it is a rotten thing to have some nialistic, self absorbed person fixate on you for no real reason. You hope and pray they go away. They find something else to occupy their feverish brain.

Tonight is the first time in nearly a week that my head has not been pounding with a migraine. I’m too old for this bullshit. I have a life that I love and I try to do the best I can in most aspects of my life. And for the most part, I accomplish that goal. I don’t judge others, and I hate being judged.

I sit here tonight not knowing what kind of craziness the next week will bring. All because of one very selfish person with very poor emotional stability. I pray that the dark cloud he has placed over my life is gone for good.

Agh! Work!

About to go into the shop to work. This morning I paid my health insurance and on a credit card. It was wonderful. It was so fun to find out I had an extra 2 weeks to pay on the health Insurance. But the good news is, I had to money to do it. things are little scary right now. I am self-employed and I’m not getting too many requests for quotes on my work. This worries me.

But the good news is there is work in the shop. So I do have work.

The bad news? I ate like a pig last night. That is, if a pig ate chicken wings and chips ahoy cookies. Maybe today I’ll do better. No morning workout, as my cold thing is still bothering me plus there was the issue of the handsome man with just enough chest hair for snuggling, in the bed next to me.

Ok, to the evil stuff I go. At least it’s not bitter horrible cold outside.

Bad Love

Is food a bad thing to love? My 20 extra pounds says yes. I love good food. I live in the middle of nowhere and I am poor. Both of these combine to make me a very good cook. In this catagory I will be posting recipes and such. I made smoked turkey yesterday and it was ok. I overcooked it. Next time I’ll do better. Today was a lazy day, leftovers for breakfast and hamburger helper for dinner. I remember one time, Dolly Parton kidded Martha S about it, “You’ve used hamburger helper, comon admit it.”  But Lady M acted like Dolly had just asked her if she used dogshit in her cooking. “No, I nevher!”

Yeah, ok. And I’m sure she never ever ate a Hot Pocket either.